2015

hi and happy new year!  apologies for the blowing tumbleweeds and chirping crickets over here the last couple of weeks.  it's been a glorious family time and i didn't want to miss out on a second.  having all five of our beautiful, happy and healthy children home and close and savoring this time together was the greatest gift under the tree.

  i hope yours too, was a holiday of dreams.

before i start this new year, i want to express to you, my dear family and friends, visitors and readers a sincere thank you for the time and attention you've given me and us this past year.  as i have shared, it has been a year of recovery from an icy car accident new years day, 2014 that left me with a severe concussion, amnesia and a bewildering path of healing.  i still have a ways to go but feel like it is now down to fine tuning.  all is well. 

i have sincerely appreciated you and your support and interest through the year on the blog.  having the healthy challenge of regularly searching out, acknowledging and documenting the precious, simple and beautiful bits and pieces of daily life was a life source for me some days, days i had to dig down deep to tap into courage and strength.  thank you.

if my experience can in any way be of benefit to someone struggling from a concussion, heartsick, healing, sad, may i leave a portion of a letter i recently wrote to my supportive, heart-strong and loving mother who has unfailingly been by my side....

I continue to feel so good and often just burst into tears with joy for simple, simple things.  I can hardly take anything for granted.  The most wonderful thing is that my emotions are back and in full force.  I am reconnected.  I must admit to now having the glorious task of relearning how to manage them!  I can't describe how alone, empty and lost I was in an unfamiliar state without my feelings and emotions. I desperately missed me.  I'm so amazed that we can survive without emotions and feelings, they are a luxury.  I can make no sense of why or how this state of being takes place.  It must have something to do with the brain.  Maybe just a higher level strain that my brain was unable to cope with while healing the basics.  I don't know, but this was the biggest struggle and challenge these last months. (The first 3 months were spent trying to use a damaged brain just to cope, trying to get some perspective, to make sense and accept the confused and bewildering reality of my situation)  It was a long time before I was even aware that I had not laughed nor cried and was void of emotion, trying to make sense of daily life with a hurt, unfamiliar, unreliable, confused head with none of these inner resources.  In life, I make decisions and choices by how I feel about things, relying on my wits and not to have them has been such a trial. I didn't have my resources I usually count on to help me make sense of life: wisdom I've gained, past experiences to draw on, feelings of right and wrong...nothing, an empty void for months.  The lone resource I had to use was the compromised memory of the knowledge of what was important to me but no feelings to support it.  Vague head memory, but no heart.  I was aware that all that I had held precious in my heart now held absolutely no value, had no weight.  It is a dangerous, dangerous place to be and very, very ugly.  I can hardly speak of it.  I've been places I've never been before and pray I never revisit.  Familiar surroundings, distractions, routine and the committed, constant, steady security I had from my strong husband was my lifeline...... But I am back and I am happy and I am no longer anxious.  I appreciate and hold dear the little, little things in life.  I feel I have acquired a new and unique perspective now of what is important.  The simple, the beautiful, the precious, the often quiet and taken for granted hold much and mighty weight for me.  The unimportant holds no weight.  I treasure this defining knowledge and understanding and hope I may make my life worthy of this perspective as I incorporate it into daily happenings and decisions and refine it so that I may share it to help make others happy.  

I feel at peace.

happy, happy, joy, joy.